Thursday, October 30, 2008

My Hero


Well......I didn't get to go to London (yet) but I did get to meet Nicky Gumbel! This is him interviewing me at a conference last summer. He's so cool!!!

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

He's there.....Even when we're not.

I don't really have any formal training on how to be a writer. But, I have discovered that expressing my feelings through words is very therapeutic. So, I've decided to keep this blog as a kind of "spiritual journal." I have to warn you. I am VERY honest and I plan to say exactly what I feel. Your comments are welcome.

I have FINALLY started speaking to God again. It was a pretty gradual process. Mainly I started because I had to. A friend of mine from college is battling breast cancer and the only thing I can really do to help her is pray. So, there you go. I had to bite the bullet and talk to Him. But, here is the amazing thing. He was still there waiting for me the entire time I was gone. He was right there ready to listen to me. And today, true to form, He blew me away.

My friend Beth is preparing to give the talk at Alpha tonight. So, when I woke up this morning I made a mental note that I would set aside some time to pray for her. I think it's important to point out that I don't usually do what I'm about to describe. Usually I just lay in my bed and close my eyes and talk to Him. But, today I got this urge to put on some music. So, I brought in my iPod from the car and plugged it in to the T.V. and played my favorite Tim Hughes playlist. Ironically, he is the worship leader at Holy Trinity Brompton. I decided to try something new too by sitting on my couch in my living room to pray. As I was sitting there I glanced up and saw the daily devotional that my mom gave me for Christmas a couple of years ago. Or maybe it was my birthday...It doesn't matter. So, I opened it up to October 21st and read it. It was about comfort and how God comforts us so that we can comfort others. I didn't think too much about it. I just remembered some of the people who have comforted me in my hard times and prayed about the people I'd like to provide comfort to. Then I started praying for Beth and her talk. I prayed for Amy, my friend battling cancer. I prayed for a couple of other people and things going on in their lives and as always I eventually got around to praying for myself. And, all of a sudden I had another urge. I decided to open my eyes and imagine Jesus sitting in my living room. He was sitting in my big black leather comfy chair with His feet up on my ottoman. I decided to talk to Him as if it was Ali sitting there. "What would I say to Him if He were sitting here across the room from me?" I thought. And, then I just started talking to Him. I started telling Him that I don't understand why He didn't send me to London. And, that I don't understand why He doesn't seem to want me to move to Chicago. I told Him that I know at least 3 people in the Chicago area who are involved with Alpha and that as soon as I get an offer on my house I'll send an email to all of them asking how I can get involved. (I know....but, this is how I talk to God.) I assured Him that I would still be able to do His work even if I'm not here in Kansas City at Christ Church. The song Tim Hughes was singing at this particular time was so fitting, too. "Fill us up....send us out. Fill us up....send us out, Lord." He sang and that is exactly what I was saying to Jesus, who was sitting in my living room with his feet propped up. I told Him that the most important thing in the world to me has become making disciples for Him. My deepest longing is to do something so much bigger than me for Him. I told Him that all I really want is for Him to fill me up and send me out to do His work. And, then the most amazing thing happened. I felt His presence stronger than I ever have in my life. He got up out of the chair and came over and sat down beside me on the couch. He put his arms around me and I could feel Him holding me. I wept on His shoulder. He patted my hair. He was comforting me in a way I had never felt before. He said "Everything is under control, Sarah. I've got it. I know what you want and I'm going to finish what I started in you. Just trust Me." And, I did. In that moment I knew that He has had my best interest at heart this entire time. He knows what He's doing and He is going to finish whatever it is He has started in me. He comforted me!

After I finished my prayer time this morning something else occurred to me. It felt so good to have Jesus back in my life. I mean He was there the whole time, but I was gone. It made me think about one of my best friends, Ali Kistner. She and I have had our ups and downs over the years. But, somehow we always found our way back to our friendship. And, it is stronger than it has ever been. I honestly don't know what I would do without her in my life. I remember the last fight she and I had and how we had both made up our minds that our friendship was better at a distance. And, then I started missing her so much. William and Easton were born and I just wanted to tell her about it. But, she wasn't there anymore. I prayed to God about her and asked him to repair our frienship. And, He did. And, He's been blessing it ever since. And, that is exactly the same feeling I have today about Him. I missed Him so much over the past couple of weeks but now we've picked up right where we left off and I am so glad to have Him back.

Again, I have likened my relationship with God to a relationship I have with another human being. That is intentional because it is a relationship that we have with God. And, it's going to have ups and downs. But, just like any relationship worth having it will always be challanged, repaired and then it will become even stronger as a result of the hardships.

Monday, October 20, 2008

The Final Verdict

Dear Sarah
Thank you for your ongoing patience and faithfulness as we have gone through the process of appeal with the British Home Office. We have now received their response to the request for reconsideration that we submitted. Sadly, the Home Office has upheld their original decision to decline your TWES permit. I am sorry to be the bearer of bad news at the end of what has been a long wait.
I want to reiterate that we have been so impressed throughout this time with regard to your involvement in Alpha and the way you have handled this difficult time. We are greatly saddened that you have not been able to join us for the Global Intern programme, but do trust that God will bless you in your next steps. We want to once again thank you for the time, passion and commitment you have put into making yourself available for the programme.
We also hope that some time in the future we will be able to meet. If you have any questions at all please do not hesitate to contact me or any of the Alpha team.
With warmest regards and blessings Heather

Monday, October 6, 2008

I Think I Might Be Dating God

You know how your first Valentine's Day after a break-up feels like it's on steroids and everywhere you look there are couples in love and you just wanna puke? Yeah, well that is exactly how I feel about London right now. Everywhere I look there is someone wearing a T-Shirt with the British flag or a stupid mascara commercial for Rimmel London staring Kate Moss who is telling me how much better everything is in London, or some guy on the airplane wakes up as we arrive at our destination and says "dude....we're already in Vegas?" and his wise guy buddy says "No Man....we just landed in England." Oh, and then as I'm boarding my flight home to KC tonight two annoying American tourists who have obviously just been to London (apparently they met all of the necessary criteria) are carrying HUGE bags with the British flag plastered across them. UGH!!!!!!!


Ok God, I get it. There is some fantastic, wonderful, brilliant (ha) reason why you didn't send me to London. Do you now have to throw that in my face every chance you get?


It feels to me exactly like being dumped. I mean you build something up and build it up in your mind just like a new relationship when everything is falling into place and going your way. He's cute, funny, charming, and he's calling all the time. And now you've started telling everyone about him because he's so awesome and you're thinking "this is WAY too good to be true!" And then boom......you were right. It was too good to be true and just like that he stops calling and you have to tell everyone that he was in fact just as big of a D-Bag as all the others.


Same thing with London. There was sign after sign after sign that this was my fate. I even remember very vividly a moment right after I found out I had gotten the leave of absence when it actually hit me that I was definitely going to London. I was working and it was a really empty flight and the other two flight attendants had gone up front to land. So, I was all alone in the back of the plane and all of a sudden I just started crying. Not tears of sadness. Tears of joy. It was the most joyful, wonderful feeling I have ever felt. Tears were streaming down my face and I thought to myself "is this what it feels like when God and I want the exact same thing? Is this what happens when we give Him control?" It was amazing. I have honestly never had a happier feeling in my life. Not the day I bought my own home, or when K-State upset OU in the Big 12 Championship, or even the day I pieced together my first successful outfit. I have never felt happiness like I felt in that moment when I thought my plan and God's plan for my life had finally matched up. Talk about a huge let down. Only this time it isn't some stupid guy who is not even worth my time or tears. It's God that I'm mad at. It's God who is making me go back and tell everyone about my huge disappointment. And God's not a D-Bag! He's God! He loves me and wants me to be happy, right?


See, being dumped I can handle. Because that's just another human being with his own set of issues that frankly I'd rather not have to deal with anyway. I've got my own issues to deal with, thank you very much, and I don't need to deal with yours, too. That's easy. You just close the door and move on. But this I'm not sure I can handle. What do you do when the only person to be mad at is God? And, believe me I'm mad at Him. I went from begging Him, to screaming at Him, to not speaking to Him at all. A lot of people tell me this kind of behavior is allowed and that "He can handle it....His shoulders are broad." I sure hope so because I'm kickin' some ass at the silent treatment.


It's a really strange place that I'm in right now. Because I still believe in God and I still love Him. And I still think He's controlling everything so now I have to seriously question His character. I just don't get why He would wave the bacon in front of my face and then take away the frying pan. I mean come on people I'm comparing him to all of my ex-boyfriends. That's pretty bad. And I feel guilty about it thanks to my Catholic upbringing, but I still can't bring myself to speak to Him. I want to. I miss Him. Just like I used to miss my mom when she and I weren't speaking after a huge blow-up. But, just like that bratty little teenage Sarah, I just can't bring myself to initiate contact. I just wish He'd do something to restore my faith....like soon. My good friend, Shalinn tells me that not only will He let the bacon touch the frying pan, but the bacon will eventually make it's way to my tummy.


I know you're all probably sick of hearing me whine about this. Don't worry...I'll quit eventually. All I can say is that It's a really good thing the ministry I'm so passionate about is Alpha where questions and statements like the one's I just made are not only allowed, but encouraged!!

Friday, October 3, 2008

*SIGH*

This is hard to write....

I am not going to London. No, I haven't heard back from the Government to see if my second attempt was successful. But, I can't wait around anymore. For several reasons. Mainly because I need a paycheck! When I first found out I might not be going I decided that I would give it until October 1st. By then the internship would be a month in and the Alpha Course at Holy Trinity Brompton would have started. So, I've already missed a lot. So, when October 1st came I was very sad, but I knew it was over. Don't worry...God and I discussed it first. I called Southwest Airlines yesterday and may I just say that I work for the coolest company in the world? They built me an October work schedule within 45 minutes. Just like that they put my life back to normal. I LOVE THEM!

I have to say that yes, I am sad, but at the same time I feel a huge sense of relief. I really need to get back to life.

I will be sending out another letter with details as to why this didn't work out. Also, those of you who donated money, thank you SO MUCH! You will be getting it back with my letter. Marie, the accountant at Christ Church, has a list of everyone and she'll make sure the money gets back to the right person.

To all of you I want to say thank you again for all of your love, support, and prayers. God didn't take me to London and I may never know why, but He certainly showed me His love and grace through all of you.

Monday, September 15, 2008

I Found an Ally

Well, here I am. Still in Kansas City. Bored out of my mind!!!!
I cannot apply for a visitor's visa. The reason is because HTB ran this whole internship program by the British Government and they were told the appropriate visa to apply for was the TWES Permit. Even if there is no payment involved it is the visa I have to have. If I try to enter the UK another way it could compromise my ability to enter the country in the future. It could also compromise HTB's ability to have visas granted in the future. So......I just have to wait and see if the second attempt is successful.
One of the other interns who was denied a visa is a guy from the United States. I don't know how he knew I was the other person, but somehow he figured it out and emailed me. I was so excited to get the email so that I could talk to someone else who was going through the exact same thing. His name is Kegan and he lives in Lexington Kentucky. He has a facebook page and I checked it out and all I can say is that WE SHOULD BOTH BE IN LONDON RIGHT NOW!!!! And, if everybody over there is as cool as he is, I'm totally missing out.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

From Ottis Schoenberger

Sara, well I admire your choice and hard work in doing a big task for the lord. I do believe he wants you to go but who knows maybe where you are now is the place he wants or needs you to be. I remember reading your (family blog/website) some time ago and reading a story of you and a little boy (Andrew) if I can remember correctly when you just happen to miss a flight or wasn't granted a seat or something and there he was scared and lonely flying alone and you where there to help him out. Always keep in mind that you are in a place where our lord wants and needs you. Look around and I bet you can find something that he is needing you to do before you leave. It is great to read the stories already adn it will happen I know it. Love you and be safe the Schoenberger family in Minnesota

Saturday, September 6, 2008

Not Good News.

This morning when I woke up I ran to my computer just like I have every single day for the past two weeks to see if there was any news about my visa and guess what......today there was news. Very disappointing news. They received word from the British Government that my request for a TWES Permit was unsuccessful. Mainly because of my qualifications and experience. What? Isn't that why you get TRAINING? To gain qualifications and experience??? Anyway, seven out of ten permits were granted. Three were not. Funny, seven and three are my lucky numbers. Not anymore, I guess. So, they are going to resubmit the paperwork and try again but informed me not to get my hopes up because it is unlikely that the second attempt will be any more successful than the first. I believe that I must have gotten the meanest, nastiest, most evil jerk to process my application and am hoping this time I get a very pretty, friendly, sweet angel.

But, we aren't giving up so easily. Kirk and I are going to see if there is any other way for me to enter the UK and participate in the program. We're exploring a visitor visa instead of a training visa. I have come too far and overcome too many obstacles to give up now. I didn't think there was any way Southwest Airlines would grant me a leave of absence....but they did. I didn't think I could raise enough money.....but I did.

I am feeling a lot of different emotions right now. Mostly I'm confused as to what the message is supposed to be in all of this. I have felt very strongly from the beginning of this journey that God wants me to go to London and participate in this program. Why else would He clear my schedule the way He has and make it possible? But, we don't always understand His plan and I'm trying really hard to just accept that. I still believe that if He wants me to go, He'll get me there.

Friday, September 5, 2008

Ding! A Light Just Went On.

Ok, so I've been sitting here for about a week/week and a half praying, hoping, and believing that my "work visa" would come through. I even asked Dane Butler if I could come without it because I was SURE the only reason I needed it was because HTB would be paying me a very small stipend for the internship. He informed me that the "TWES Permit" was not quite that straight forward and encouraged me to keep waiting. So, as I'm waiting and stewing and hoping and wondering why I can't just waive the stipend and get my arse to the UK without it, it finally occurred to me to find out exactly what the "TWES Permit" is. So I googled it. And, it's not a "work permit." It's a TRAINING permit!!!!!! So, that is why I can't just waive the stipend and get my arse over there. Even if I go and don't get paid for it, I'll still be receiving TRAINING!!!!! Well, it doesn't make me any happier about not being there, but it does clear up a few questions in my mind. Google.....who knew?

All Packed up with No Place to Go!

I think I might just go insane. I have never felt like I have less control of a situation in my entire life. Gee, I wonder who could be trying to teach me a lesson like that. Anyway, I still haven't received the Visa and it's driving me crazy. Today was the start date for the Internship and all I can think about is that I'm missing out on something. But, I'm trying to stay positive and realize that I'll get there when I am supposed to. I just don't wanna miss the "Punting Trip" a.k.a. Alpha Weekend. That won't happen until sometime in October.

Also, I am a HUGE sports fan and my favorite sport is College Football. Since I will be out of the Country for almost the entire football season, someone who would send me updates of scores from around the nation would probably become my new BFF. (Best Friend Forever)

Loveyameanit,
Sarah

Monday, September 1, 2008

Where's the Visa???!!!!

You know....like "Where's the Beef?"

Ok. So, this is the blog I have set up to keep you all informed about how things are going in London. I will do my best to keep it updated. I also have Skype on my computer so if you have that you should "Skype" me!!
So, where's the Visa?? I don't know. I was all set to leave this Wednesday, Sept 3. I was going to fly to Chicago and spend the night there and fly to London out of O'Hare on Thursday, Sept 4th at 8:25 pm. But, I got an email from Dane Butler, the person in charge of the Interns at Holy Trinity Brompton, saying that they haven't received the TWES Work Permits (work Visa) for some of us yet. So, they can't book the flights until they receive the permits. So, I'm waiting...... No, it isn't ideal and I would much rather have everything in place to go, but I trust that it will all work out. Even if I have to arrive later than I wanted to. As my sister keeps reminding me, "Has anybody died?" No. "Then quit worrying about it. You have no control over it." Thank you, Carrie (Larry).
So, if you are a praying person, please pray for a speedy arrival of my work permit. Otherwise just send me as much positive energy as you have to spare!!
I love you all and thank you so much for all of your support, prayers, and positive words!