I Think I Might Be Dating God

You know how your first Valentine's Day after a break-up feels like it's on steroids and everywhere you look there are couples in love and you just wanna puke? Yeah, well that is exactly how I feel about London right now. Everywhere I look there is someone wearing a T-Shirt with the British flag or a stupid mascara commercial for Rimmel London staring Kate Moss who is telling me how much better everything is in London, or some guy on the airplane wakes up as we arrive at our destination and says "dude....we're already in Vegas?" and his wise guy buddy says "No Man....we just landed in England." Oh, and then as I'm boarding my flight home to KC tonight two annoying American tourists who have obviously just been to London (apparently they met all of the necessary criteria) are carrying HUGE bags with the British flag plastered across them. UGH!!!!!!!


Ok God, I get it. There is some fantastic, wonderful, brilliant (ha) reason why you didn't send me to London. Do you now have to throw that in my face every chance you get?


It feels to me exactly like being dumped. I mean you build something up and build it up in your mind just like a new relationship when everything is falling into place and going your way. He's cute, funny, charming, and he's calling all the time. And now you've started telling everyone about him because he's so awesome and you're thinking "this is WAY too good to be true!" And then boom......you were right. It was too good to be true and just like that he stops calling and you have to tell everyone that he was in fact just as big of a D-Bag as all the others.


Same thing with London. There was sign after sign after sign that this was my fate. I even remember very vividly a moment right after I found out I had gotten the leave of absence when it actually hit me that I was definitely going to London. I was working and it was a really empty flight and the other two flight attendants had gone up front to land. So, I was all alone in the back of the plane and all of a sudden I just started crying. Not tears of sadness. Tears of joy. It was the most joyful, wonderful feeling I have ever felt. Tears were streaming down my face and I thought to myself "is this what it feels like when God and I want the exact same thing? Is this what happens when we give Him control?" It was amazing. I have honestly never had a happier feeling in my life. Not the day I bought my own home, or when K-State upset OU in the Big 12 Championship, or even the day I pieced together my first successful outfit. I have never felt happiness like I felt in that moment when I thought my plan and God's plan for my life had finally matched up. Talk about a huge let down. Only this time it isn't some stupid guy who is not even worth my time or tears. It's God that I'm mad at. It's God who is making me go back and tell everyone about my huge disappointment. And God's not a D-Bag! He's God! He loves me and wants me to be happy, right?


See, being dumped I can handle. Because that's just another human being with his own set of issues that frankly I'd rather not have to deal with anyway. I've got my own issues to deal with, thank you very much, and I don't need to deal with yours, too. That's easy. You just close the door and move on. But this I'm not sure I can handle. What do you do when the only person to be mad at is God? And, believe me I'm mad at Him. I went from begging Him, to screaming at Him, to not speaking to Him at all. A lot of people tell me this kind of behavior is allowed and that "He can handle it....His shoulders are broad." I sure hope so because I'm kickin' some ass at the silent treatment.


It's a really strange place that I'm in right now. Because I still believe in God and I still love Him. And I still think He's controlling everything so now I have to seriously question His character. I just don't get why He would wave the bacon in front of my face and then take away the frying pan. I mean come on people I'm comparing him to all of my ex-boyfriends. That's pretty bad. And I feel guilty about it thanks to my Catholic upbringing, but I still can't bring myself to speak to Him. I want to. I miss Him. Just like I used to miss my mom when she and I weren't speaking after a huge blow-up. But, just like that bratty little teenage Sarah, I just can't bring myself to initiate contact. I just wish He'd do something to restore my faith....like soon. My good friend, Shalinn tells me that not only will He let the bacon touch the frying pan, but the bacon will eventually make it's way to my tummy.


I know you're all probably sick of hearing me whine about this. Don't worry...I'll quit eventually. All I can say is that It's a really good thing the ministry I'm so passionate about is Alpha where questions and statements like the one's I just made are not only allowed, but encouraged!!