He's there.....Even when we're not.

I don't really have any formal training on how to be a writer. But, I have discovered that expressing my feelings through words is very therapeutic. So, I've decided to keep this blog as a kind of "spiritual journal." I have to warn you. I am VERY honest and I plan to say exactly what I feel. Your comments are welcome.

I have FINALLY started speaking to God again. It was a pretty gradual process. Mainly I started because I had to. A friend of mine from college is battling breast cancer and the only thing I can really do to help her is pray. So, there you go. I had to bite the bullet and talk to Him. But, here is the amazing thing. He was still there waiting for me the entire time I was gone. He was right there ready to listen to me. And today, true to form, He blew me away.

My friend Beth is preparing to give the talk at Alpha tonight. So, when I woke up this morning I made a mental note that I would set aside some time to pray for her. I think it's important to point out that I don't usually do what I'm about to describe. Usually I just lay in my bed and close my eyes and talk to Him. But, today I got this urge to put on some music. So, I brought in my iPod from the car and plugged it in to the T.V. and played my favorite Tim Hughes playlist. Ironically, he is the worship leader at Holy Trinity Brompton. I decided to try something new too by sitting on my couch in my living room to pray. As I was sitting there I glanced up and saw the daily devotional that my mom gave me for Christmas a couple of years ago. Or maybe it was my birthday...It doesn't matter. So, I opened it up to October 21st and read it. It was about comfort and how God comforts us so that we can comfort others. I didn't think too much about it. I just remembered some of the people who have comforted me in my hard times and prayed about the people I'd like to provide comfort to. Then I started praying for Beth and her talk. I prayed for Amy, my friend battling cancer. I prayed for a couple of other people and things going on in their lives and as always I eventually got around to praying for myself. And, all of a sudden I had another urge. I decided to open my eyes and imagine Jesus sitting in my living room. He was sitting in my big black leather comfy chair with His feet up on my ottoman. I decided to talk to Him as if it was Ali sitting there. "What would I say to Him if He were sitting here across the room from me?" I thought. And, then I just started talking to Him. I started telling Him that I don't understand why He didn't send me to London. And, that I don't understand why He doesn't seem to want me to move to Chicago. I told Him that I know at least 3 people in the Chicago area who are involved with Alpha and that as soon as I get an offer on my house I'll send an email to all of them asking how I can get involved. (I know....but, this is how I talk to God.) I assured Him that I would still be able to do His work even if I'm not here in Kansas City at Christ Church. The song Tim Hughes was singing at this particular time was so fitting, too. "Fill us up....send us out. Fill us up....send us out, Lord." He sang and that is exactly what I was saying to Jesus, who was sitting in my living room with his feet propped up. I told Him that the most important thing in the world to me has become making disciples for Him. My deepest longing is to do something so much bigger than me for Him. I told Him that all I really want is for Him to fill me up and send me out to do His work. And, then the most amazing thing happened. I felt His presence stronger than I ever have in my life. He got up out of the chair and came over and sat down beside me on the couch. He put his arms around me and I could feel Him holding me. I wept on His shoulder. He patted my hair. He was comforting me in a way I had never felt before. He said "Everything is under control, Sarah. I've got it. I know what you want and I'm going to finish what I started in you. Just trust Me." And, I did. In that moment I knew that He has had my best interest at heart this entire time. He knows what He's doing and He is going to finish whatever it is He has started in me. He comforted me!

After I finished my prayer time this morning something else occurred to me. It felt so good to have Jesus back in my life. I mean He was there the whole time, but I was gone. It made me think about one of my best friends, Ali Kistner. She and I have had our ups and downs over the years. But, somehow we always found our way back to our friendship. And, it is stronger than it has ever been. I honestly don't know what I would do without her in my life. I remember the last fight she and I had and how we had both made up our minds that our friendship was better at a distance. And, then I started missing her so much. William and Easton were born and I just wanted to tell her about it. But, she wasn't there anymore. I prayed to God about her and asked him to repair our frienship. And, He did. And, He's been blessing it ever since. And, that is exactly the same feeling I have today about Him. I missed Him so much over the past couple of weeks but now we've picked up right where we left off and I am so glad to have Him back.

Again, I have likened my relationship with God to a relationship I have with another human being. That is intentional because it is a relationship that we have with God. And, it's going to have ups and downs. But, just like any relationship worth having it will always be challanged, repaired and then it will become even stronger as a result of the hardships.