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Sunday, February 15, 2009
Just one of my many hang-ups
I can't figure out how to address God. Everytime I pray I go through this little process of what to call him. Is it "Dear God" or just "God" or "Jesus" or maybe "Father God." I have no idea. Then after I decide how to address Him it never fails that during the prayer I can't figure out what to call Him. I always begin with the sign of the Cross because I'm a fallen Catholic and it just feels incomplete unless I start and end by crossing myself. But, that doesn't help with how to address Him. See, when I talk to God I actually treat it like a conversation. I talk to Him just like I talk to many of you. But, sometimes I call Him God and sometimes I call Him Jesus and of course sometimes I call Him Dude (what? It's a capital "D".) This probably doesn't seem like a huge problem for most of you but it is for me because I feel like in order to get closer to Him and cultivate my relationship with Him I have to understand who I'm talking to. I don't know. I sort of think of God as the father and Jesus as a really good friend. But, are they the same? Jesus is a person though and I don't think of God as a person so much as a presence. Who am I really talking to? I guess this all goes back to the Trinity which I have NEVER been able to fully understand. I'm ok with that because a very wise person once asked me "would you really want a God you can fully understand?" No I would not. But, I need to understand who I'm actually talking to when I pray. And, at this point I have absolutely no idea. But, whoever it is must be listening because my prayers are being answered! Obviously I would really like to hear your comments about this one. Please help me!!
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Answer
For all of you who said to me at one point or another "maybe that's why you didn't get to go to London." I wanted to smack you in the face. I'm sorry but it's true. There was no reason that any of you gave me that was good enough......until today. I got my answer. Unfortunately I'm not going to be able to share exactly what it is. But, I am 110% positive that God made the right decision in keeping me from going on the Internship. I'm sorry I have to be so vague but learned today that God knows me, my heart, my needs, and my wants so much better than I do. The most amazing thing for me is that I got an answer. I didn't think I'd get it in this lifetime. But, again God knew I needed it. And, He gave it to me. As selfish as I've acted I can't believe He did. He is amazing. He is my Savior and today I am humbled and amazed by his graciousness. Friends, please trust Him no matter what you are going through. He knows what He's doing.
Peace,
Sarah
Peace,
Sarah
Thursday, October 30, 2008
My Hero
Well......I didn't get to go to London (yet) but I did get to meet Nicky Gumbel! This is him interviewing me at a conference last summer. He's so cool!!!
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
He's there.....Even when we're not.
I don't really have any formal training on how to be a writer. But, I have discovered that expressing my feelings through words is very therapeutic. So, I've decided to keep this blog as a kind of "spiritual journal." I have to warn you. I am VERY honest and I plan to say exactly what I feel. Your comments are welcome.
I have FINALLY started speaking to God again. It was a pretty gradual process. Mainly I started because I had to. A friend of mine from college is battling breast cancer and the only thing I can really do to help her is pray. So, there you go. I had to bite the bullet and talk to Him. But, here is the amazing thing. He was still there waiting for me the entire time I was gone. He was right there ready to listen to me. And today, true to form, He blew me away.
My friend Beth is preparing to give the talk at Alpha tonight. So, when I woke up this morning I made a mental note that I would set aside some time to pray for her. I think it's important to point out that I don't usually do what I'm about to describe. Usually I just lay in my bed and close my eyes and talk to Him. But, today I got this urge to put on some music. So, I brought in my iPod from the car and plugged it in to the T.V. and played my favorite Tim Hughes playlist. Ironically, he is the worship leader at Holy Trinity Brompton. I decided to try something new too by sitting on my couch in my living room to pray. As I was sitting there I glanced up and saw the daily devotional that my mom gave me for Christmas a couple of years ago. Or maybe it was my birthday...It doesn't matter. So, I opened it up to October 21st and read it. It was about comfort and how God comforts us so that we can comfort others. I didn't think too much about it. I just remembered some of the people who have comforted me in my hard times and prayed about the people I'd like to provide comfort to. Then I started praying for Beth and her talk. I prayed for Amy, my friend battling cancer. I prayed for a couple of other people and things going on in their lives and as always I eventually got around to praying for myself. And, all of a sudden I had another urge. I decided to open my eyes and imagine Jesus sitting in my living room. He was sitting in my big black leather comfy chair with His feet up on my ottoman. I decided to talk to Him as if it was Ali sitting there. "What would I say to Him if He were sitting here across the room from me?" I thought. And, then I just started talking to Him. I started telling Him that I don't understand why He didn't send me to London. And, that I don't understand why He doesn't seem to want me to move to Chicago. I told Him that I know at least 3 people in the Chicago area who are involved with Alpha and that as soon as I get an offer on my house I'll send an email to all of them asking how I can get involved. (I know....but, this is how I talk to God.) I assured Him that I would still be able to do His work even if I'm not here in Kansas City at Christ Church. The song Tim Hughes was singing at this particular time was so fitting, too. "Fill us up....send us out. Fill us up....send us out, Lord." He sang and that is exactly what I was saying to Jesus, who was sitting in my living room with his feet propped up. I told Him that the most important thing in the world to me has become making disciples for Him. My deepest longing is to do something so much bigger than me for Him. I told Him that all I really want is for Him to fill me up and send me out to do His work. And, then the most amazing thing happened. I felt His presence stronger than I ever have in my life. He got up out of the chair and came over and sat down beside me on the couch. He put his arms around me and I could feel Him holding me. I wept on His shoulder. He patted my hair. He was comforting me in a way I had never felt before. He said "Everything is under control, Sarah. I've got it. I know what you want and I'm going to finish what I started in you. Just trust Me." And, I did. In that moment I knew that He has had my best interest at heart this entire time. He knows what He's doing and He is going to finish whatever it is He has started in me. He comforted me!
After I finished my prayer time this morning something else occurred to me. It felt so good to have Jesus back in my life. I mean He was there the whole time, but I was gone. It made me think about one of my best friends, Ali Kistner. She and I have had our ups and downs over the years. But, somehow we always found our way back to our friendship. And, it is stronger than it has ever been. I honestly don't know what I would do without her in my life. I remember the last fight she and I had and how we had both made up our minds that our friendship was better at a distance. And, then I started missing her so much. William and Easton were born and I just wanted to tell her about it. But, she wasn't there anymore. I prayed to God about her and asked him to repair our frienship. And, He did. And, He's been blessing it ever since. And, that is exactly the same feeling I have today about Him. I missed Him so much over the past couple of weeks but now we've picked up right where we left off and I am so glad to have Him back.
Again, I have likened my relationship with God to a relationship I have with another human being. That is intentional because it is a relationship that we have with God. And, it's going to have ups and downs. But, just like any relationship worth having it will always be challanged, repaired and then it will become even stronger as a result of the hardships.
I have FINALLY started speaking to God again. It was a pretty gradual process. Mainly I started because I had to. A friend of mine from college is battling breast cancer and the only thing I can really do to help her is pray. So, there you go. I had to bite the bullet and talk to Him. But, here is the amazing thing. He was still there waiting for me the entire time I was gone. He was right there ready to listen to me. And today, true to form, He blew me away.
My friend Beth is preparing to give the talk at Alpha tonight. So, when I woke up this morning I made a mental note that I would set aside some time to pray for her. I think it's important to point out that I don't usually do what I'm about to describe. Usually I just lay in my bed and close my eyes and talk to Him. But, today I got this urge to put on some music. So, I brought in my iPod from the car and plugged it in to the T.V. and played my favorite Tim Hughes playlist. Ironically, he is the worship leader at Holy Trinity Brompton. I decided to try something new too by sitting on my couch in my living room to pray. As I was sitting there I glanced up and saw the daily devotional that my mom gave me for Christmas a couple of years ago. Or maybe it was my birthday...It doesn't matter. So, I opened it up to October 21st and read it. It was about comfort and how God comforts us so that we can comfort others. I didn't think too much about it. I just remembered some of the people who have comforted me in my hard times and prayed about the people I'd like to provide comfort to. Then I started praying for Beth and her talk. I prayed for Amy, my friend battling cancer. I prayed for a couple of other people and things going on in their lives and as always I eventually got around to praying for myself. And, all of a sudden I had another urge. I decided to open my eyes and imagine Jesus sitting in my living room. He was sitting in my big black leather comfy chair with His feet up on my ottoman. I decided to talk to Him as if it was Ali sitting there. "What would I say to Him if He were sitting here across the room from me?" I thought. And, then I just started talking to Him. I started telling Him that I don't understand why He didn't send me to London. And, that I don't understand why He doesn't seem to want me to move to Chicago. I told Him that I know at least 3 people in the Chicago area who are involved with Alpha and that as soon as I get an offer on my house I'll send an email to all of them asking how I can get involved. (I know....but, this is how I talk to God.) I assured Him that I would still be able to do His work even if I'm not here in Kansas City at Christ Church. The song Tim Hughes was singing at this particular time was so fitting, too. "Fill us up....send us out. Fill us up....send us out, Lord." He sang and that is exactly what I was saying to Jesus, who was sitting in my living room with his feet propped up. I told Him that the most important thing in the world to me has become making disciples for Him. My deepest longing is to do something so much bigger than me for Him. I told Him that all I really want is for Him to fill me up and send me out to do His work. And, then the most amazing thing happened. I felt His presence stronger than I ever have in my life. He got up out of the chair and came over and sat down beside me on the couch. He put his arms around me and I could feel Him holding me. I wept on His shoulder. He patted my hair. He was comforting me in a way I had never felt before. He said "Everything is under control, Sarah. I've got it. I know what you want and I'm going to finish what I started in you. Just trust Me." And, I did. In that moment I knew that He has had my best interest at heart this entire time. He knows what He's doing and He is going to finish whatever it is He has started in me. He comforted me!
After I finished my prayer time this morning something else occurred to me. It felt so good to have Jesus back in my life. I mean He was there the whole time, but I was gone. It made me think about one of my best friends, Ali Kistner. She and I have had our ups and downs over the years. But, somehow we always found our way back to our friendship. And, it is stronger than it has ever been. I honestly don't know what I would do without her in my life. I remember the last fight she and I had and how we had both made up our minds that our friendship was better at a distance. And, then I started missing her so much. William and Easton were born and I just wanted to tell her about it. But, she wasn't there anymore. I prayed to God about her and asked him to repair our frienship. And, He did. And, He's been blessing it ever since. And, that is exactly the same feeling I have today about Him. I missed Him so much over the past couple of weeks but now we've picked up right where we left off and I am so glad to have Him back.
Again, I have likened my relationship with God to a relationship I have with another human being. That is intentional because it is a relationship that we have with God. And, it's going to have ups and downs. But, just like any relationship worth having it will always be challanged, repaired and then it will become even stronger as a result of the hardships.
Monday, October 20, 2008
The Final Verdict
Dear Sarah
Thank you for your ongoing patience and faithfulness as we have gone through the process of appeal with the British Home Office. We have now received their response to the request for reconsideration that we submitted. Sadly, the Home Office has upheld their original decision to decline your TWES permit. I am sorry to be the bearer of bad news at the end of what has been a long wait.
I want to reiterate that we have been so impressed throughout this time with regard to your involvement in Alpha and the way you have handled this difficult time. We are greatly saddened that you have not been able to join us for the Global Intern programme, but do trust that God will bless you in your next steps. We want to once again thank you for the time, passion and commitment you have put into making yourself available for the programme.
We also hope that some time in the future we will be able to meet. If you have any questions at all please do not hesitate to contact me or any of the Alpha team.
With warmest regards and blessings Heather
Thank you for your ongoing patience and faithfulness as we have gone through the process of appeal with the British Home Office. We have now received their response to the request for reconsideration that we submitted. Sadly, the Home Office has upheld their original decision to decline your TWES permit. I am sorry to be the bearer of bad news at the end of what has been a long wait.
I want to reiterate that we have been so impressed throughout this time with regard to your involvement in Alpha and the way you have handled this difficult time. We are greatly saddened that you have not been able to join us for the Global Intern programme, but do trust that God will bless you in your next steps. We want to once again thank you for the time, passion and commitment you have put into making yourself available for the programme.
We also hope that some time in the future we will be able to meet. If you have any questions at all please do not hesitate to contact me or any of the Alpha team.
With warmest regards and blessings Heather
Monday, October 6, 2008
I Think I Might Be Dating God
You know how your first Valentine's Day after a break-up feels like it's on steroids and everywhere you look there are couples in love and you just wanna puke? Yeah, well that is exactly how I feel about London right now. Everywhere I look there is someone wearing a T-Shirt with the British flag or a stupid mascara commercial for Rimmel London staring Kate Moss who is telling me how much better everything is in London, or some guy on the airplane wakes up as we arrive at our destination and says "dude....we're already in Vegas?" and his wise guy buddy says "No Man....we just landed in England." Oh, and then as I'm boarding my flight home to KC tonight two annoying American tourists who have obviously just been to London (apparently they met all of the necessary criteria) are carrying HUGE bags with the British flag plastered across them. UGH!!!!!!!
Ok God, I get it. There is some fantastic, wonderful, brilliant (ha) reason why you didn't send me to London. Do you now have to throw that in my face every chance you get?
It feels to me exactly like being dumped. I mean you build something up and build it up in your mind just like a new relationship when everything is falling into place and going your way. He's cute, funny, charming, and he's calling all the time. And now you've started telling everyone about him because he's so awesome and you're thinking "this is WAY too good to be true!" And then boom......you were right. It was too good to be true and just like that he stops calling and you have to tell everyone that he was in fact just as big of a D-Bag as all the others.
Same thing with London. There was sign after sign after sign that this was my fate. I even remember very vividly a moment right after I found out I had gotten the leave of absence when it actually hit me that I was definitely going to London. I was working and it was a really empty flight and the other two flight attendants had gone up front to land. So, I was all alone in the back of the plane and all of a sudden I just started crying. Not tears of sadness. Tears of joy. It was the most joyful, wonderful feeling I have ever felt. Tears were streaming down my face and I thought to myself "is this what it feels like when God and I want the exact same thing? Is this what happens when we give Him control?" It was amazing. I have honestly never had a happier feeling in my life. Not the day I bought my own home, or when K-State upset OU in the Big 12 Championship, or even the day I pieced together my first successful outfit. I have never felt happiness like I felt in that moment when I thought my plan and God's plan for my life had finally matched up. Talk about a huge let down. Only this time it isn't some stupid guy who is not even worth my time or tears. It's God that I'm mad at. It's God who is making me go back and tell everyone about my huge disappointment. And God's not a D-Bag! He's God! He loves me and wants me to be happy, right?
See, being dumped I can handle. Because that's just another human being with his own set of issues that frankly I'd rather not have to deal with anyway. I've got my own issues to deal with, thank you very much, and I don't need to deal with yours, too. That's easy. You just close the door and move on. But this I'm not sure I can handle. What do you do when the only person to be mad at is God? And, believe me I'm mad at Him. I went from begging Him, to screaming at Him, to not speaking to Him at all. A lot of people tell me this kind of behavior is allowed and that "He can handle it....His shoulders are broad." I sure hope so because I'm kickin' some ass at the silent treatment.
It's a really strange place that I'm in right now. Because I still believe in God and I still love Him. And I still think He's controlling everything so now I have to seriously question His character. I just don't get why He would wave the bacon in front of my face and then take away the frying pan. I mean come on people I'm comparing him to all of my ex-boyfriends. That's pretty bad. And I feel guilty about it thanks to my Catholic upbringing, but I still can't bring myself to speak to Him. I want to. I miss Him. Just like I used to miss my mom when she and I weren't speaking after a huge blow-up. But, just like that bratty little teenage Sarah, I just can't bring myself to initiate contact. I just wish He'd do something to restore my faith....like soon. My good friend, Shalinn tells me that not only will He let the bacon touch the frying pan, but the bacon will eventually make it's way to my tummy.
I know you're all probably sick of hearing me whine about this. Don't worry...I'll quit eventually. All I can say is that It's a really good thing the ministry I'm so passionate about is Alpha where questions and statements like the one's I just made are not only allowed, but encouraged!!
Ok God, I get it. There is some fantastic, wonderful, brilliant (ha) reason why you didn't send me to London. Do you now have to throw that in my face every chance you get?
It feels to me exactly like being dumped. I mean you build something up and build it up in your mind just like a new relationship when everything is falling into place and going your way. He's cute, funny, charming, and he's calling all the time. And now you've started telling everyone about him because he's so awesome and you're thinking "this is WAY too good to be true!" And then boom......you were right. It was too good to be true and just like that he stops calling and you have to tell everyone that he was in fact just as big of a D-Bag as all the others.
Same thing with London. There was sign after sign after sign that this was my fate. I even remember very vividly a moment right after I found out I had gotten the leave of absence when it actually hit me that I was definitely going to London. I was working and it was a really empty flight and the other two flight attendants had gone up front to land. So, I was all alone in the back of the plane and all of a sudden I just started crying. Not tears of sadness. Tears of joy. It was the most joyful, wonderful feeling I have ever felt. Tears were streaming down my face and I thought to myself "is this what it feels like when God and I want the exact same thing? Is this what happens when we give Him control?" It was amazing. I have honestly never had a happier feeling in my life. Not the day I bought my own home, or when K-State upset OU in the Big 12 Championship, or even the day I pieced together my first successful outfit. I have never felt happiness like I felt in that moment when I thought my plan and God's plan for my life had finally matched up. Talk about a huge let down. Only this time it isn't some stupid guy who is not even worth my time or tears. It's God that I'm mad at. It's God who is making me go back and tell everyone about my huge disappointment. And God's not a D-Bag! He's God! He loves me and wants me to be happy, right?
See, being dumped I can handle. Because that's just another human being with his own set of issues that frankly I'd rather not have to deal with anyway. I've got my own issues to deal with, thank you very much, and I don't need to deal with yours, too. That's easy. You just close the door and move on. But this I'm not sure I can handle. What do you do when the only person to be mad at is God? And, believe me I'm mad at Him. I went from begging Him, to screaming at Him, to not speaking to Him at all. A lot of people tell me this kind of behavior is allowed and that "He can handle it....His shoulders are broad." I sure hope so because I'm kickin' some ass at the silent treatment.
It's a really strange place that I'm in right now. Because I still believe in God and I still love Him. And I still think He's controlling everything so now I have to seriously question His character. I just don't get why He would wave the bacon in front of my face and then take away the frying pan. I mean come on people I'm comparing him to all of my ex-boyfriends. That's pretty bad. And I feel guilty about it thanks to my Catholic upbringing, but I still can't bring myself to speak to Him. I want to. I miss Him. Just like I used to miss my mom when she and I weren't speaking after a huge blow-up. But, just like that bratty little teenage Sarah, I just can't bring myself to initiate contact. I just wish He'd do something to restore my faith....like soon. My good friend, Shalinn tells me that not only will He let the bacon touch the frying pan, but the bacon will eventually make it's way to my tummy.
I know you're all probably sick of hearing me whine about this. Don't worry...I'll quit eventually. All I can say is that It's a really good thing the ministry I'm so passionate about is Alpha where questions and statements like the one's I just made are not only allowed, but encouraged!!
Friday, October 3, 2008
*SIGH*
This is hard to write....
I am not going to London. No, I haven't heard back from the Government to see if my second attempt was successful. But, I can't wait around anymore. For several reasons. Mainly because I need a paycheck! When I first found out I might not be going I decided that I would give it until October 1st. By then the internship would be a month in and the Alpha Course at Holy Trinity Brompton would have started. So, I've already missed a lot. So, when October 1st came I was very sad, but I knew it was over. Don't worry...God and I discussed it first. I called Southwest Airlines yesterday and may I just say that I work for the coolest company in the world? They built me an October work schedule within 45 minutes. Just like that they put my life back to normal. I LOVE THEM!
I have to say that yes, I am sad, but at the same time I feel a huge sense of relief. I really need to get back to life.
I will be sending out another letter with details as to why this didn't work out. Also, those of you who donated money, thank you SO MUCH! You will be getting it back with my letter. Marie, the accountant at Christ Church, has a list of everyone and she'll make sure the money gets back to the right person.
To all of you I want to say thank you again for all of your love, support, and prayers. God didn't take me to London and I may never know why, but He certainly showed me His love and grace through all of you.
I am not going to London. No, I haven't heard back from the Government to see if my second attempt was successful. But, I can't wait around anymore. For several reasons. Mainly because I need a paycheck! When I first found out I might not be going I decided that I would give it until October 1st. By then the internship would be a month in and the Alpha Course at Holy Trinity Brompton would have started. So, I've already missed a lot. So, when October 1st came I was very sad, but I knew it was over. Don't worry...God and I discussed it first. I called Southwest Airlines yesterday and may I just say that I work for the coolest company in the world? They built me an October work schedule within 45 minutes. Just like that they put my life back to normal. I LOVE THEM!
I have to say that yes, I am sad, but at the same time I feel a huge sense of relief. I really need to get back to life.
I will be sending out another letter with details as to why this didn't work out. Also, those of you who donated money, thank you SO MUCH! You will be getting it back with my letter. Marie, the accountant at Christ Church, has a list of everyone and she'll make sure the money gets back to the right person.
To all of you I want to say thank you again for all of your love, support, and prayers. God didn't take me to London and I may never know why, but He certainly showed me His love and grace through all of you.
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