Sit On A Tack!

Before I started Alpha two years ago I hated to be alone. It gave me anxiety like you would not believe. I didn't want to live alone. I didn't want to be single. And, I certainly didn't want to live very far from my main support system....my family. I don't want to say that I was weak but the truth is I kind of was. But, I've grown pretty strong with the help of Jesus. Now I love my alone time. I love living alone and I love being single. And, just recently I decided to move to Chicago. Needless to say I am way outside my comfort zone.

God knows me very well. He knows my strengths and weaknesses, my likes and dislikes. He knows me better then I know myself.......And, so does the devil. I never thought I'd find myself mentioning "the enemy." I just don't talk like that and it sounds way too "Christianese" for me. But, I've got to give credit where credit is due and he has been working overtime in my life lately.

For the past year I have felt a pull toward Chicago. That pull intensified immensely last summer when I attended an Alpha conference in the Chicago area. I just felt like that's where God wanted me and could use me the most. So, I began taking the necessary steps to move here. I thought a little about how I'd miss my friends and family in Kansas but I was really too preoccupied with the big move to let it get to me. So, when Mom and Dad got on the train last week to head home after moving me into my new apartment in my new city that I'd been looking forward to living in for over a year, I was a little shocked to feel a huge wave of homesickness set in. "What is this?" I thought "well, I'm sure it will go away." And, it did......But, unfortunately "the enemy" doesn't give up that easily.

That next Saturday I woke up to some pretty crappy weather and the onset of a sinus infection. My friend Emily was gone for the weekend visiting friends in Lincoln. My friend Christopher was also out of town. I found myself very alone in a brand new life. The anxiety started to set in. I got up and decided to face the day head on. That lasted for about two minutes. The next thing I knew I was frantic. Crying hysterically and really needing to call my mother. I used to call my mother every time I had an anxiety attack. I'd call her and she'd have to talk to me until I had calmed down. But, at some point in the past two years I started going to Jesus in situations like these. But, last Saturday I needed my mom. I don't see this as a sign of weakness. Sometimes you just need your mother. So, she and I talked and I told her that I really didn't want to come back to Kansas City. It was my first weekend in Chicago and it would be so pathetic to run back home so quickly. Plus I was convinced that if I went home I wouldn't want to come back. So, we got off the phone and the next thing I knew I was on the train on my way to the airport to get on the next flight to Kansas City. I stayed there until Monday morning and then decided to come back to Chicago. It wasn't so bad. I cried when Mom hugged me goodbye but I was definitely stronger than I thought I'd be. I got back to my apartment and did some things and was feeling pretty good. I went to bed that night thinking, "I'm going to be able to do this." The devil does not give up that easily.......

Tuesday morning I awoke ready to get busy! I had to go to work on Wednesday and I needed to get my stuff ready. It took about five minutes for the panic attack to start. "Oh no I've made a huge mistake. 'I shouldn't have moved to Chicago and left my friends and family and support system. 'I can't do this! 'I'm not as strong as I thought I was!" Crying, panicing, terrified about what to do, I called my mother. We talked. She calmed me down. We hung up the phone with me feeling like I would be ok. And, I was for the most part. I got my stuff done and got ready for my trip. Now, up until this point I had not even so much as THOUGHT about the devil. Which, of course is what he wanted, right? When I went to check my email that afternoon there was a message from my mother. She wanted to know if I thought all of this doubt and panic and homesickness could be the work of the devil. It floored me. It hit me like a ton of bricks. Of course that's what this was! God knows that I need friends and plans and a very full social life. He knows that's what keeps me from feeling lonely........And, so does the devil. He was attacking me in full force. I couldn't believe I had let down my guard like that. Every time I do he smacks me in the face. Every single time..."Idle minds are the devil's workshop." This was the quote Mom used in her email. Again, it floored me.

So, I went on my trip on Wednesday and it was fantastic! I had a great crew and it felt amazing to get back to work. That was, after all, the only thing in my life that didn't' change. I had a great week and was really looking forward to the weekend because it was going to be my first St. Paddy's Day in Chicago!!! I was feeling like I might be able to do this Chicago thing! The devil does not give up quite so easily.

When I got back from my trip I found out that Emily was sick. She had been running a fever all week and had missed work. I'm so sorry Emily because I know you're reading this and this is going to sound SO SELFISH, but I am nothing if not honest so.....my first thought was "Oh no! 'If Emily is sick I don't have anyone to go out with on St. Paddy's day!" And, the panic set in. I started thinking about how my friend Christopher hadn't returned any of my phone calls or text messages all week and totally convinced myself that he was angry at me for some reason. I thought "Oh no! 'I cannot go back to Kansas City again this weekend but I cannot stay here and stare at the wall in my apartment all weekend either!" This whole conversation in my thoughts went on for about 5 minutes before I looked in the mirror and remembered......"You are under attack." "This is the work of the devil."
You see he wants me to believe that I can't make it on my own in a new city. He wants me to think all of my friends are abandoning me. He wants me to doubt myself so much that I'll throw in the towel and move back home before I get the chance to make even one disciple for Jesus Christ. Well, he can just sit on a tack because I DON'T GIVE UP THAT EASILY EITHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I got myself around and took Emily some Alieve for her fever. I called a flight attendant I'd met who said I could go out with her on St. Paddy's day. I remembered that my friends Tracy and Bryan were planning to meet me out for St. Paddy's day. I told God that He and I were going to win this battle. And, I had myself a fantastic weekend! I went out on St. Paddy's Day with some friends of Emily's whom I'd met a handful of times. They were very sweet and welcoming. Tracy and Brian met us out later in the day. Emily's fever broke just enough that she got to come out and join the fun. Kuda and Claudia (two more friends I'd apparently forgotten I had thanks to Satan. Duh, Sarah. You know the two people who helped you MOVE IN to your apartment!) met us out that night. And, Christopher answered my text......God and I are winning!

I realized something else in all of this. God is letting Satan do all of this because He's testing me. He's seeing if I have fully surrendered to Him. He's seeing if I'll come to Him for help in my dark times. He needs me to see that He is my only answer. He loves my mother and doesn't mind that I call her for help, but He'd prefer that I come to Him.

I think since I have finally realized what is going on things have gotten a whole lot better. God is kicking some serious Satan ass if you know what I mean. I went to church this morning with Emily and then went with her to an Alpha meeting afterwards and met all of the awesome folks I'll be doing Alpha with in April. It was great and I feel very reassured that I'm right where God wants me to be. The more I trust Him the more He proves He is trustworthy. I can't believe Satan would waste his time on someone as small and insignificant as me but he does not want even one more person to become a follower of Jesus Christ. Well, he can just go sit on a tack......